


Recover

by cazzy



Series: Coffee and Leather [3]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: ACTUAL ATTEMPT TO CREATE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THESE TWO, F/M, Mentions of Previous Drug Use, coffee shop AU, gang au???, leia is too precious for this world, some angst because i can never escape it, stubborn af rey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-06-04 15:28:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6664180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cazzy/pseuds/cazzy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>I'll believe that when I see it,</i> she'd said to him, and now she sees it. But still she does not see him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Recover

**Author's Note:**

> I'M SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG. I SUCK.
> 
> I LOVE YOU ALL.

**Who Is Kylo Ren?  
** Crime Underboss of the 'First Order' Turns Himself In  
BY ALEX GARCIA

 

Kylo Ren, one of the underbosses of the First Order, walked into the D'Qar Police Station on Monday evening with the intent of dismantling the infamous crime organization, police officials said.

Facing immediate arrest, Ren complied with police requests, and is currently in protective custody. The promise of police protection bodes well for the authorities. “The First Order has been elusive for years,” Police Captain Han Solo said. “If Ren feels protected enough to reveal significant information about the organization, then this could be huge for protecting the city.”

The First Order has been behind several crimes within the city in recent years, reports cite. Although few agents of the crime organization have been detained and charged, many unsolved cases of the past four years bear the notorious logo of the First Order.

“It's a calling card. They've stamped this logo on bags of drugs and on crime scenes as a taunt to the police,” Solo said. Solo continued, mentioning that by claiming responsibility on so many crimes, being able to name the perpetrators with the assistance of Ren will be a significant step towards restoring justice in D'Qar.

Ren's attorney, Alise Hill, said in a public statement: “My client is cooperating fully with the police at this time. Along with the authorities, we are striving to eliminate the First Order and the criminals behind several awful crimes.”

Ren himself was not available for comment.

 

 

 **Snoke is Smoked: Criminal Trial Date Set  
** First Order Leader Implicated in Several Unsolved Cases  
BY ELIZA CASEY

 

While A. Snoke has led local authorities on many fruitless chases to pin him down and convict him of a wide variety of crimes, his arrest and placement into custody may be the breakthrough that the D'Qar Police Department needs to close several unsolved cases.

Kylo Ren, one of the former higher-ups of the First Order, has taken a plea deal in exchange for significant intel on the organization. He faces two years of prison time and three years probation for his involvement.

With Snoke in custody, the drug-related activities of the First Order have ground to a halt. The lower tiers of the organization have dissolved, according to District Attorney See Threepio. “The city of D'Qar can rest easy knowing such wanted criminals are behind bars,” Threepio said. “The First Order is no more.”

A warrant to search Snoke's residence has revealed a wealth of evidence relating to several unsolved murders, police chief Luke Skywalker said in a press release on Thursday. “We believe Snoke is responsible for more than the First Order's drug distribution and are currently investigating,” Skywalker said. No further information has been released.

DA Threepio said, “Arresting Snoke and his subordinates is a very positive step for our city. Taking down an organized crime ring is essential for recovery, and we expect to have a solid case built up by his trial date.”

Snoke's trial is set for June 6. He currently faces first-degree murder charges for the murder of Officer Hosnian, who was shot and killed during Snoke's apprehension, as well as an array of drug-related charges.

Snoke's accomplices, Brendol Hux and V. Phasma, will be tried separately for their involvement with the organization. Their court dates have not been set yet.

 

–

 

Time passes slowly.

Leia goes to visit him four times a week, and Rey... doesn't. She's thought about it, even considered asking Finn to give her a ride down to the prison, but when she straightens her back and swallows down the bile in her throat, she can't bring herself to go through with it.

It feels like the ultimate act of cowardice – something she accused _him_ of, and the irony is just nauseating – to avoid him so plainly, but it is all she can think of doing.

Kylo Ren has knocked her entirely off-kilter, and she owes it to herself to climb back onto solid ground before even considering approaching him again. She doesn't even feel like herself anymore, not after being shaken up by an emotion she never thought could hit this precisely, and eliminating the only element that's caused such an upheaval is the only thing that makes sense.

It's almost comical, this complete disruption of her life. She's never known love in this way, only been privy to the platonic love of her best friends, and she thinks on more than one occasion that she finally gets why people always say they'll do anything for love.

The road to healing is filled with rock-slides of regression and cracks of self-doubt, and she can't help but scour the Internet much too frequently to keep herself updated on Kylo Ren and the Snoke case. Surely, there must be something more masochistic than staying so up-to-date with the court cases and scrambling of First Order lackeys, but she can't, for the life of her, think of any specific examples.

 _I'll believe that when I see it,_ she'd said to him, and now she sees it. But still she does not see him.

 

–

 

Finn shows up at her apartment, one day, and because it's one of the better days she lets him in.

“It's time,” Finn says as soon as she opens her apartment door.

“What?” she asks warily as he steps inside.

“Leia is hosting an official 'The Resistance is Disbanded' party, and you're invited.”

“Finn,” Rey starts, her voice low. The Resistance is still a sore topic with her, and she can't help but feel the quick pang in her heart when he brings it up. She isn't sure that she'll ever truly feel comfortable with how much Finn and his boyfriend kept from her, but enough time has passed that she's mostly forgiven them for the discretion.

He offers her a shrug and a smile that never fails to win her over, and she scowls in return.

“It's supposed to be a _happy_ event,” he continues as though he's holding a battering ram and she's a blocked-off door. “And you deserve some happy!”

Rey watches as he moves past her and into the kitchen to grab himself a glass of water. The way he handles himself in her apartment, like he's safe and at home, convinces her more than anything. How long did it take for her to build that kind of trust with someone? Finn knows her like no one else does, and besides, he's right. The Resistance dissolving means that the First Order truly is no more, and she's willing to drink to that.

“Alright,” she sighs, and the word barely slips past her lips before Finn's in her face and grinning like a madman.

“Perfect! You go on and get ready, and we can head over.”

“Wait, _now?_ ”

“Uh,” he says, “Yes? It was kind of last minute, I know, but I also know that you're off today and definitely not doing anything else...”

Rey's going to have an aneurysm if her best friend keeps these ridiculous antics up. She shuts her eyes and takes one calming breath, two. “Give me a minute, okay?”

“Of course.”

She doesn't bother with makeup as she pulls her hair into a messy bun and slips on well-worn jeans and a relatively nice shirt. The last-minute plans have her sulking for the entirety of the drive over into the part of town that typically houses the Resistance.

Leia looks genuinely pleased to see her, and showing up is almost worth it because of the sparkle in her eyes and the gentle creases of her wrinkles as she smiles. Greeting her with a graceful hug, Rey offers her a quiet _congratulations_ and manages to swallow around the lump in her throat when Leia murmurs her own gratitude.

She's a popular woman, though, and is soon swept away in the festivities along with other members of the not-quite-gang. Rey is left behind as they celebrate, and she moves away from the bustling party to hover on the fringe. It's fortunate that Finn had passed her a cup of liquor before sidling up to Poe and engaging the others in conversation, and she is content to focus her attentions on the amber liquid.

“I'm already going to hell for allowing this illegal Resistance bullshit to go on for so long,” someone says as they approach her. “Please tell me you're old enough to drink.”

It's so unexpected that she can't bite back the startled bark of laughter. She recognizes him immediately, has seen him attached to most articles in relation to Kylo Ren, and tilts her cup at him in a mocking toast before taking a long drink.

Han Solo narrows his eyes at her and scoffs.

He's treating her like just another party-goer, and although she's absolutely confident that he knows exactly who she is, she's grateful for his discretion. Being in public serves as a great excuse for maintaining a strong facade, but being treated like a fragile bird could be devastating.

“Just barely,” she says in return, and manages a smirk.

“This entire operation has been _just barely_ legal,” he retorts, looking around the room at the Resistance members. It strikes Rey that he's essentially facilitated the existence of the Resistance despite being a renowned member of the police force, and his struggles suddenly make her feel infinitely small.

She wants to say something, maybe joke about a conflict of interest, but he has a weary gleam in his eyes and she spares him the work talk.

“Your wife looks lovely,” Rey says instead, taking a small sip of her drink. And Leia does – there's a lightness to her that was never present before Kylo turned himself in, and although Rey certainly doesn't know her as well as her husband does, it's fairly clear that she looks vastly improved.

“It's been hard,” Han says softly, and he looks like he wants to say something before his wife lets out a clear, loud laugh. His attention hones in on her instantly, as though she is the only one in the room beside him, and Rey watches him quietly. “But how can you possibly tell the love of your life no?”

She sips on her drink and pretends the the question doesn't cut her to the bone.

Han drifts away after his quiet inquiry, and she manages to avoid talking to anyone else. She observes them, a tightly-knit community of fighters brought together by a common goal, and it hits her that she was never truly invited into the fold. She's only related to their group by proxy of falling for the wrong person, and her presence is not required.

A few moments' conversation with Kylo's parents isn't enough to satisfy the ache in her breast as she watches the others around her interact, and it is easier to hide in the sidelines than fake enjoyment of the party.

Her drink burns as it slides down her throat, and she relishes it.

 

–

 

Leia tells her, ten days into Kylo's incarceration, about the drugs.

“It was cocaine,” the woman tells her softly, when they're sitting in Rey's cafe and sipping on hot, soothing tea.

The cafe is closed for the night, and Rey is glad for it, because as soon as Leia says the word her stomach bottoms out and her world hones in on the fluttering, quickened pulse of her heartbeat.

“When he was fourteen, he joined a street gang,” Leia continues, and Rey can see how difficult it is for the older woman to get her words out, how strained her voice is as she recalls the memory.

“You don't have to tell me,” she says, and her voice sounds small.

“I do,” Leia says, and clears her throat. “Han and I... We failed him. You deserve to know.”

It's clear that this isn't going to be an easy conversation, and Rey rises from the pastel yellow couch to move behind the counter. The cafe itself doesn't serve liquor, but she's the owner and keeps a private stash for after-hours when she's counting the money in the register or otherwise tidying up. She pulls out the bottle of whiskey and brings it over.

Leia lets out a quiet laugh when she sees the bottle.

“Liquid courage,” Rey says with a comforting smile as she pours a liberal amount of the alcohol into both of their mugs.

“Han never even attempted to be understanding of it.” The glass of the mug presses against Leia's lips as she pauses for a moment. “He's been in law enforcement for so long that he saw it as betrayal. And I was hurt, and we thought we could punish him and things would just be alright.”

Rey doesn't want to interrupt, so she gently places a hand on the skin of Leia's wrist in encouragement.

“Ben was...” she sighs, and her eyes are watery and send a pang deep into Rey's heart. “The first time he was sent into juvenile detention was for assault on someone in one of his classes. A few days into it he went into withdrawal. We had no idea.

They called us from the facility, saying that he was exhausted and feverish. There wasn't anything we could really do, but it was a routine call to inform us that he was experiencing typical withdrawal symptoms.”

The idea of connecting Kylo Ren – all tall grace and puppy-dog eyes – with a quivering drug addict is difficult to reconcile, and Rey reaches for her own mug a bit too desperately.

“When he was released, Han thought he could scare him away from the drugs for good. We grounded him, moved schools to escape the pressures he was facing, tried talking to him. And things were good, for awhile – ”

Her words hitch on a shaky breath, and she takes a moment to regain her composure. “I don't think he ever got clean, he just learned how to hide it better. But we wanted to believe that being locked up had changed him, and it was like Ben was _back,_ and we were too lenient. Too trusting.

“One day he came home – he had this _awful_ black eye. And was bleeding and Han just – lost it. Started yelling and accusing him of fighting again, and I found a bag of coke in his room and it all went to shit from there.”

Leia's crying now, tracks of tears falling down her face, and it breaks Rey's heart anew.

“We could see it in his eyes. He was crazed, raving about how powerful he felt and how Han never cared about him and that I was too obsessed with my public image to attempt to understand how he felt. It was the first time he mentioned Snoke by name, saying that he knew someone who could offer him the things we never could.

He left that day, just packed his things and disappeared. It was years before Kylo Ren emerged, and Han was on duty when an officer hauled him into an interrogation room. You know Han, he was brash and emotional and stormed into the room, but Ben – _Kylo_ – refused to even acknowledge him. We failed him as parents, but Snoke... Snoke corrupted him.”

Rey sits in silence, and in the quiet of her cafe she grieves the death of a naive boy fed the seductive cocktail of cocaine and aggression.

“He ruined Ben with addiction and temptations of power,” Leia says, and her voice has regained the conviction that Rey and the rest of the Resistance are familiar with. _This_ is the woman who admits her faults and dedicates her entire being toward saving her son and taking down a criminal organization. “And he's going to rot in prison for what he's done.”

 

–

 

Rey doesn't admit it to anyone – hardly even admits it to herself – but after the revelation, part of the reason she won't go visit him is because she's absolutely terrified that all he ever felt for her was the fault of drug-induced euphoria.

 

–

 

She's wiping down the last few tables of her cafe when Leia knocks on the locked door. It's been a few months now since Kylo's incarceration, and the older woman has become something of a regular in her pastel cafe. Leia fits better into the soft hues of the walls and furniture than her son ever did, and it brings a wry smile to her face when she turns in response to the rap of knuckles against glass.

Rey quickly makes her way to the entrance and lets the older woman in, and she offers her a small but genuine smile.

“I'm just passing by,” Leia says, reaching into her purse. “I wanted to drop this off for you, but sending it through the mail seemed impersonal and wrong.”

The moment feels significant as she reveals a folded, stark white sheet of paper. There is no mistake about who it's from, and she freezes for entirely too long as she stares down at it.

Her heartbeat is too loud in her ears, eyes wide as she's caught by the innocuous letter, and a fine tremor passes through her tensed fists.

“There's no pressure to read it,” Leia says, much too kindly, and moves to place it on the main counter. “But it's here for you if you'd like to.”

“Thank you,” Rey hears herself say, and Kylo's mother leaves after giving her a gentle hug.

 

–

 

She tries to avoid it, relegate it to the back of her thoughts (and the dark recesses underneath her bed), but three days pass before she builds enough courage to read the letter. It's pathetic, to be weakened so much by inked words on a page, but then again, Kylo Ren has been a weak spot for a long time, now.

 

–

 

_Rey –_

_I probably shouldn't write to you, and I'm certainly not expecting any sort of reply, but one of the guards mentioned how writing could be a good distraction and I certainly need one of those._

_More than likely I won't even send this._

_I hope you're doing well and that your ridiculous cafe is thriving. Your taste in décor is horrible, but I find myself missing even that obscene painting that hangs on the far wall. I'm sure you know the one – with the awful fluffy kitten sitting in a china teacup._

_I think of you every day. I realize you more than likely want nothing to do with me, especially since you've probably read about what I've done, but it doesn't change the fact that you're frequently on my mind. You're the reason I'm here – which sounds negative, but you've got to trust me when I say it isn't at all – and I'm counting the days until I'm out of here. I've even got another sheet of paper that I keep in my cell. It has tallies on it, counting down the days, and maybe it's a little ridiculous but it gives me something to focus on that ~~isn't you~~  
_

_My mother is keeping me up to date on Snoke and Hux's trials. My greatest fear is that they'll evade the justice system and come after you, but she assures me that DPD is doing everything they can to prevent such a thing._

_I'm not allowed many privileges, here, although it is not as though I am actually able to do anything but lie here most of the day in agony._

_Withdrawal's a bitch, Rey. I guess it cannot be too harmful to write about it here, since I'm sure that once I reread what I've written I will be fully confident in the fact that I cannot actually send this to you._

_The best part of Snoke was that he was smart enough to keep me on the cusp of addiction for most of my life. There's just something about – the power it gave me, to have it rushing through my system – I can't explain it easily, but _

_But._

_The physical effects of withdrawal are mostly gone, they tell me. It does not feel that way._

_I hope you are well._

 

On the nondescript sheet of white paper, Kylo's handwriting is a shaky, blotted mess, and Rey almost responds.

 

–

 

She doesn't, though. What she does do is neatly fold up the letter and slide it into the fold of her wallet, where it is easily accessible and frequently on her person.

It's the hardest thing she's done in her life.

 

–

 

Knowing that Kylo has gone through the worst of withdrawal alone tries her in a way that his initial sentencing never could have. It's very nearly the straw that breaks the camel's back – surely, her presence could soothe him, reassure him that she's _there,_ that she's _his –_

But then the rationality sets in, and she steels herself against the urge.

Rey's more than aware that she owes him nothing, has no obligation to check on him and see how the prison system is treating him, but it still aches. He was a natural disaster, storming into her life and wreaking havoc, and although the resentment had fled, the hurt remained. Two decades of life upended entirely by a single hurricane, and she's still suffering the consequences.

Kylo Ren needs to recover on his own, independent of her presence. Of this she is convinced. She may have been the catalyst for his journey to redemption, but she will not be the foundation of his entire existence.

Nor will she allow him to be hers.

He deserves a chance at a new life just as she does, and the turmoil she's suffered for the first year of his imprisonment is more than convincing enough. Nothing they could have had would have been healthy, and Rey will never again get sucked into an unhealthy relationship. Her foster parent had taught her the consequences of returning time and time again to a broken home, and in this new life it is a risk she cannot afford.

The fundamental principle of it all steadies her. His letter has a permanent home in her wallet, the paper softened by frequently being taken out and unfolded, and she cements her will into the well-creased folds of it.

She allows herself one additional crutch in the form of Kylo Ren's well-worn leather jacket. The scent of him is long-lost, replaced by her own as it presses into the indent of her body against her bed's mattress, and only in the privacy of her home does she allow herself to hope that she's made the right decision.

_(The jacket had appeared conspicuously one day in her Employees Only backroom, hung on the back of the chair next to the desk she used to manage finances._

_Leia had never brought it up, and Rey had never argued.)_

If nothing else, she promises herself that she'll return it in person once he's released.

 

–

 

Poe has somehow mastered the art of begging, and Rey finds it hard to deny him as he pleads for a celebration at her cafe when Snoke is finally sentenced to life in prison without parole.

Both Han and Leia have agreed to come, and Maz is so ecstatic that she's promised to bake a magnificent cake for the occasion, and with all of their excitement, she really doesn't stand a chance.

 _Rey's Sunshine_ lights up the entire street as Finn strings up lights outside the entrance of their building, and the joy in the air is almost palpable.

Drinks are poured and Rey tries not to think too carefully about who should also be present with them during the celebration.

“Are we cheering to the Resistance?” someone, Rey thinks Jessika, asks. She's become closer to some of Poe's Resistance friends (unwillingly, maybe) over time, and they're fun to spend time with despite the fact that they all appear to have a _very_ close relationship with alcohol.

“No!” Finn says, eyes wide as though he's had an epiphany. “Maybe we did some of the work, but this is the justice system's victory! To the police department!”

Rey is entirely convinced that everyone in her cafe is sloshed out of their minds as they raise their glasses high into the air for a dramatic toast. Cleaning up the alcohol-sticky floor is going to be a pain, tomorrow, but she smiles among them and raises her own glass.

“To Han!” Poe says, and Rey's more than aware that the two of them have had a tense relationship because of the danger the Resistance placed his wife in during the worst years of combating the First Order. It seems they've worked their differences out, because the man has the grace to look abashed as several glasses crash against his own, and as his wife wraps an arm around him and kisses him sloppily on the cheek.

If Leia can appear so spirited, then there is no reason that Rey cannot, and it is the first time in far too long that she feels content.

Snoke's sentencing is a closed book on a very dark chapter of their lives, and she feels almost giddy in the excitement. It's nothing like the party held for the Resistance, filled with people she had no real connection to. This is more intimate, familial, and Rey knows with complete certainty that she's created lasting bonds with these people swarming her favorite place. He's never far from her mind, either, despite the fact that she hasn't seen him in nearly two years.

But it's almost perfect.

 

–

 

Rey is acutely aware of Kylo Ren's release date, and although she wants nothing more than to be in the same vehicle as Han and Leia as they drive to pick him up, she is a responsible business owner and is currently standing behind her cafe's counter and making drinks for coffee-deprived customers.

Even her skin is itching with the desire to be anywhere but here, and she focuses too obviously on the process of making a large chai for a customer to distract herself. It's the strangest of dichotomies, to avoid him so readily while he was imprisoned and then to crave his presence the moment he's released, but if he wishes to see her again then it really should be on his own terms. She owes him that, if nothing else.

Her back is turned to the entrance when they walk in. She's adding a shot of extra espresso to a drink for a customer when the tell-tale jingle of bells rings, and from behind her Finn drops a frappuccino on the ground with a startled, bitten-off, “Shit!”

Rey whirls around to berate him and grab a few towels to clean up the mess, but her eyes lock on the group of three that has just stepped inside. She thinks she hears herself utter an expletive of her own, but then Leia's moving toward the counter with a huge grin on her face. The men trail behind her.

It is only years of working in the service industry that provide her with necessary self-preservation. “What can I get for you?” she says automatically, and if it were any other customer then they might have been affronted that she did not even look at them as the words were spoken.

“I'll just have some iced green tea,” she responds before shooting Rey a not-so-subtle wink and stepping out of the way.

“And you?” She's awfully proud of the fact that her words come out steadily. For him to come to her cafe so soon after being released... and to be _smiling_ at her –

“Medium caramel macchiato,” the man says, and it's like time has slowed down to frame this moment. She takes in everything and nothing at once as she stares into his dark eyes, and he gauges her reaction as he looks back at her.

It's odd to see how a few years have changed him. He holds himself differently, more confident and less like he's constantly trying to hunch in on himself, and his hair is longer than she remembers. It suits him well, although it does seem a bit unruly, and her fingers itch to comb through it. He looks freshly shaven and comfortable in a beige shirt and dark jeans, and his hands splay widely over her counter-top.

She notices, mid-perusal, that he's raking his own gaze over the entirety of her appearance.

Rey briefly wishes she'd worn something more attractive than a plain grey tank, especially with how long he's staring at her. She honestly hadn't expected him to show up so quickly, though, and her stomach flutters uncontrollably.

“For... ” she prompts, and if the query is loaded and intricate then at least he'll quickly be on the same page as her.

“Ben,” he says, and Rey _really_ can't control the broad grin that unfurls on her features. It can't be easy to dispose of an entire identity, but if anyone can do it, it's the enigma standing tall in front of her with palms pressing to the surface of the cafe's counter.

“Sure thing,” she says, and if the Sharpie she uses to scrawl names stains her fingers as she shakily writes his name on his cup, then nobody says a word about it.

 

–

 

Leia has been trying to shoo her out the door for at least an hour, and all of her protests about running the shop have been stifled by the older woman.

“I'm doing you a favor and can watch the cafe,” she insists, and Rey is only convinced when she hears a cut-off snicker from behind her. “Now _go.”_

She turns to level a flat glare at the culprit, but is caught off-guard by his wide smile. He looks so much healthier, now, unfettered by addiction and stress. It's ridiculous how easily she's fallen back into being smitten with him, but he _is_ one of her greatest weaknesses, clearly. She's long since forgiven him for his sins committed under the thumb of Snoke and his drugs, but this exchange feels significantly different than any interaction they've had before.

It's pure, untainted by the darkness that has plagued him for much of his life, and it feels new and brimming with potential.

Rey waves a hand at Leia. “Alright, alright. We're going.”

“I'm sorry,” he says as they exit the cafe to the jingling of bells, looking very _not sorry._ “I'm just not used to seeing her boss people outside of her family around. It's fearsome.”

There's a small park with a water fountain and a smattering of trees nearby, and Rey directs them toward it. “I've seen how she manages Han,” she offers. “It shouldn't have been a surprise to me.”

He seems to laugh much more freely, now, and it is contradictory to everything she's ever known about prison. It's supposed to harden you, make you cruel and disillusioned to the ways of the world, not liberate you from an unseen burden. She supposes that, with Snoke and Hux and Phasma safe behind bars, he can finally be _himself._

“How are you?” she says as they meander into the park, and he senses the shift in her tone.

“It was difficult the first few months,” he says as they round the fountain and settle into the iron of a bench. “I didn't – _resent_ you for not showing up, but it was hard. I think I must've hated you, for a bit.”

“It wasn't like I didn't hate myself for it,” she says, too seriously, and he shifts next to her to cup her face within one of his large, warm hands.

“I didn't want you to see me like that. I didn't even want my mother to see me like that, although she was very persistent.”

Rey looks out toward the fountain, considering his words. “I was terrified that if I went to visit, you would have relied on me. I've been independent for most of my life, and neither us needed that kind of dependence.”

Ben lets out a noise and mutters, “ _Dependence.”_

She waits.

“They tell you about the physical effects of withdrawal when you go through them,” he says, slowly. “It can be anything – fever, shivers, exhaustion. Sometimes your body just _aches_ something fierce, like all of your muscles have simultaneously given up, and you just want to quit.”

Rey knows all this. As soon as Leia had informed her of his problem, she'd taken to the Internet to see exactly what he was going through.

“But they don't touch on the depression as much, which hits the hardest. I'm still – ” he pauses, throat working for a moment as he chooses his words carefully. “I'm doing a lot better, now, but I'm not sure it will ever entirely go away.”

“It was out of your control.”

“Not entirely.” Against her side, she can feel his body tensing in agitation. “It would be a lie to say I didn't _enjoy_ its effects and the ease of access. But it doesn't change the fact that I was manipulated.”

“He's gone now,” she says firmly, turning her head to look at him. “Never again.”

Ben nods.

Kylo Ren would have never spoken to her in such a frank manner. It bewilders Rey, slightly, to see so much of the man she fell in love with on the cushions of her pastel yellow couch so long ago, but she supposes that two years locked in a jail cell really _can_ do wonders about changing one's outlook on life. They are not two separate people but rather two sides to a single coin, and while she's sure this honest, _sober_ man still bears traces of aggression and depression within him, her self-imposed isolation from him was beneficial.

The weight feels tangible as it slides off of her shoulders.

“I didn't expect you to show up at my cafe,” she says, hoping the forced casualness she's injecting in her tone comes off as organic.

“I didn't expect you to wait for me after giving me the silent treatment for two years,” Ben quips back, and although the words could be construed as harsh they sound anything but.

She really should be affronted at the assumption, but it isn't as though he's _wrong_. He's smiling at her, too, which makes it hard to be upset.

“Two years is a long time, Ben Solo,” she says a bit playfully as she leans against him. He's solid and warm pressed up against her. “You have a lot to make up for.”

“I hope you'll allow me to do it right, this time.”

 

–

 

The dress she's wearing is _so entirely_ not her that Ben has been snapping pictures of her all evening and casually threatening them as potential blackmail.

It's clingy and makes her feel half-naked even as the car rolls to a stop, and even though he's assured her again and again that the dark fabric drapes across her body in a flattering way, she can't help but feel vulnerable. How did he convince her to purchase such a thing, again?

She doesn't even have room to jam her phone and wallet into her clothing, and any dress without pockets, as far as Rey is concerned, is a contraption of the devil. At least her belongings are safely within Ben's slacks, and she focuses her complete attention on stepping out of their vehicle without having an indecent accident.

Ben's sudden curse is loud in the air, more improper than any scandalous movement in her ridiculous dress could ever be, and her attention snaps toward him.

His eyes are wide as he looks down at his hands, and Rey instantly recognizes two things: her beat up wallet, and a tattered sheet of paper unfolded in his hands.

“I was – just checking to see if you had a few dollars for the valet – ” He cuts himself off, still staring at the paper. “I never knew – Mom said she threw it away – ”

“Ben,” Rey says, and she carefully moves toward him. He averts his gaze from the letter to stare her down, and she's struck by the intensity in his eyes.

“You've had this? The whole time?”

She nods, plucking the paper from his hands. The _Rey –_ is almost completely gone, the paper timeworn yet cherished. “I received it shortly after you wrote it, I think.”

Words catch in her throat, and he's looking at her in a way she hadn't dreamed was possible. Ben says her name, softly, and then he's kissing her as though his life depends on it. His lips press into hers, but it's more than that, and she can feel the raw emotion pouring into the kiss as she clings to him. They neck like lovesick teenagers in front of the restaurant, the valet, the world, but she can't bring herself to be embarrassed in the slightest.

“I really don't deserve any of this,” he murmurs against her lips.

“Don't worry,” she says, and she feels dizzy and giddy as he pulls her close and squeezes her tightly within his arms. “I'm sure we're enemies in another life and you'll get your karmic justice.”

“I love you.”

And she knows it.

(She never properly returns his jacket, though.)

 

**Author's Note:**

> I was gonna put fluffy sex into this, but just wasn't feeling it. (SORRY.)


End file.
